Until rich husband and I get married, I’m going to be broke college kid/teacher. I don’t have a plethora of money, and during Christmas time, there is this certain push for presents, which poor girl me can’t afford. Being me, and thinking extremely unrealistically like always, I came up with a shopping list of what I would get some of you for Christmas, you know if money wasn’t an object and I could bend the rules of space and time.
Hannah gets her own little French boutique. Her store will sell authentically French clothing and jewelry, which she will wear a lot of because 1. it’s too adorable and 2. she’s the owner she can do whatever she wants. It will be somewhere super chic in The Fan or Carytown where all the cool hipsters shop at. Her French major will come in handy because she will have to speak in French to her buyers all the time and all the French people will shop at because anywhere isn’t really French.
Janey will have her own multi-ethnic cafe, where she serves Thai iced tea, strong South American coffee, and whatever other foreign drinks, dishes and desserts she wants to serve- she is the boss. Janey will be cooking and baking when she feels like it and using her multi linguistic abilities as well. Also, this will be on the same block as Hannah’s French store so you can feel like you’re leaving America but really you haven’t left Richmond.
Okay Sean, I guess I’ll give you your Italian villa in Amalfi- but you gotta let me and my Italian pop star boyfriend come and visit, okay? I’ll make biscotti e panettone!
Brother, every year I get you a present and you get me nada. But this is hypothetical, so I’ll give you bit coins. Just don’t rub these in my face.
Mother dearest, Momma G, on this 2013 Christmas I shall give you a weather machine. Yes, at first it may seem like just a thermostat, but in reality, it can alter the temperature- no more uncalled for cold weather, rain when the plants need it, and constant sunshine and happiness.
6. Uncle Tim
(Did you catch that I was going to bend time? Here we go!) My dear uncle will receive a concert ticket. This show will be one for the ages- The Band, Van Morrison, Rolling Stones, Bonnie Raitt, Little Feat, Grateful Dead- and whoever else Tim decides he wants to see. It will be an intimate concert, for Tim and whoever else he wants to bring (so I hope he picks me!).
As my best VCU friend, Alison gets an all access pass. First, at Chick-fil-a, this card will insure that she gets free Chick-fil-a for the rest of her life (as long she brings me back a lemonade after her visits). But this card has a second purpose- it allows her to get in at any concert, any where. Alison will always get the best seating to shows and meet the artists (some of them may have a 100% chance of falling in love with her too).
8. Ramya and Aayushi
To my little Warped Tour buddies, VIP tickets to all the concerts to never miss a band or performance. Not only will they get to meet the artists, but All Time Low will put on an exclusive concert for them.
9. Katy Perry
Honey boo, you’re getting a new boyfriend. Yes, I know everyone secretly likes “Your Body is a Wonderland”, but it’s common knowledge that John Mayer is a crazy person. You need a VCU boyfriend, someone quirky and cute like you, not an ex of Taylor Swift. (There’s this really cute guy who works at Cary Street Gym, his name is John and he wears cute hipster glasses.)
10. Mrs Hoggatt
I would love to give one of my all time favorite teachers an European tour of art history. Paintings, pottery, architecture, this is an all expenses paid trip that starts in England and made it’s way across the continent, finally ending in Greece. Because no one deserves to travel more than history teachers, and your trip should be extra cool.
Jenna, who loves pop music more than anyone else I know, gets all five 1 Direction boys. Because it wouldn’t be fair to just pick one. All those British accents!
And finally, to the best university ever, I would like you to have better hand dryers. Get rid of the crappy kind in Hibbs and the Commons and get those superb Target quality ones you have in Cary Street Gym and MCALC. While I’m writing imaginary checks, let’s get rid of those self-flushing toilets too. I like the ones in the gym where you flush based on what you did. Saves water and energy!
Seriously, I wish I could get all of you this. Sadly, that involves money so I might kick it Saint Gertrude style and handout homemade cookies and cards. And if I didn’t mention you here, I want you to know that I still love you but I have a walnut sized brain and this is exam week so creativity only goes but so far. Well, I hope you all enjoy your theoretical presents!