Meet My Boyfriends

You and I are both fully aware of two things: that I am single like no other, and Valentine’s Day is coming up.I’ve spent the past few holidays at school being the Queen of Hearts by passing out cupcakes, painting the school play scenery with Christina and Celeste  and working at Sweet Frog and wishing I had someone to spend the day with. The one time I did have a boyfriend, Valentine’s Day was like, Monday, and neither of us could drive, so I spent the day eating chocolate and watching Romeo and Juliet like a single lady (he did give me a handmade card, though). But this year, I’ve kinda accepted my status as crazy cat person and I’m going to celebrate it with my boyfriends. No no no I’m not dating lots of boys and withholding this information, I would never do that to you; these are the guys I stare at all day and I’m too chicken to open my mouth and say “hi” to.

  • My everywhere boyfriend! I have no idea who this kid is, but I see him in the commons, at the library, running from class to class and when I’m pretending to work out. His face shape is slightly shark-y but he’s still quite attractive and he wears sleeveless shirts at the gym which makes being there so much more worth it. When he’s not at the gym, I see him in suits a lot so let’s pretend his name is…William. William shall be a finance major. William is going places in life and I hope he takes me.
  • A couple of times a week, I’ll catch my Hibbs boyfriend in the hallway on the way to Italian. He has cute round glasses and hipster hair, looks kinda quiet and like he’s taking a cool language like French, but my favorite part is that he always smiles to me (why can’t all boys be like you?!). So after that, I got to class and stare at my 102 boyfriend, this kid on the other side of the room. He’s smart, likes Pokemon, and as a plus, he’s super cute. Before class started today he sat down and read a book. My insides were all like “please go marry that sweetheart little nerd right now” but my outsides were like “why not just sit here and stare at him?”
  • Peter Pan is the sun, the moon, and the stars to Tiger Lily, but to me, my astronomy boyfriend is just a man. (This is the hipster kid I’ve been wanting to tell you about!) He has a beard and glasses, like all typical hipsters, and he always wears this green knitted beanie that I kinda wanna try on. Last week, he wore his Halloween sweater with a kitty and a jack-o-lantern on it (Christina- you should’ve interviewed him!). He’s a nice guy, always says hi to me and tells me the answer to the clicker questions. I should probably figure out his name if he’s going to be the reason for my good grade this semester, but until then he needs a hipster name, something like Brendan or Matthias.
  • And at work. We have one customer, who we’ll call Joey Chestnut because that’s what I want to call him and it’ll protect his identity (hipaa hipaa!). Joey is not a little Asian man who can consume 50 hot dogs in five minutes; he actually looks like a burn-out version of Bo Burnham. He talks to me a lot while he’s waiting for his medicine and at first I was a like “this guy obviously isn’t doing much with his life but he keeps flirting with me and since engineers and art students don’t give me any attention I’ll take it”. But the last time he came in, I noticed something about Joey while he was yelling at out pharmacists- “I brought in the prescription yesterday to the girl who just got engaged. She was at that register. What is her name, I know it!” Joey means well. He might’ve been trying to flirt with Anna, but he was taking the time to talk to her and get to know her. He showed me that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover (to use a trite expression), and you know what? As I was walking into work last week, Joey waved to me in the parking lot and I waved back, smiling. Any judgey thoughts were gone, and I’m proud to call him my work boyfriend.

I’m not trying to be creepy here, I’m trying to make a point, and I’m taking a lesson from my dad.  Everywhere  went, he had girlfriends. Girlfriends at the grocery store, girlfriends at CVS, girlfriends at the pool. He’d come home at night at tell us about these women, which Momma would turn to me and say, “They aren’t really his girlfriends. These women are just your father’s friends.” Reason 142 why I’m slowly turning into Gary Gerloff: I have my “boyfriends” that I’m not dating, but love talking to. So maybe I should say something next time I pass by William (er…whoever you may be) since hello we see each other on seemingly a daily basis, and I’ll always great Hipster Astronomy Boy Brendan with a smile.

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and like I’ve been preaching, it’s not just about your significant other. It’s about loving everyone. I love my boyfriends, I love my cats, I love Momma Mindy, I love Hannah and Alison, Brad, Aayushi, Ramya, Sean, Janey, and my other VCU amigos, I love the sweetheart ladies from Granite, I love my sassy Starbucks baristas in Cabell, I love Saint Gertrude, I love my grandmas, uncles, aunts and cousins, and today I love my brother. When you sit and really look at it, there’s so much love in your life, you really have no reason to pout in the corner about being alone on Valentine’s Day. You’re never really alone.

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