I’m guessing by now I’m expected to have “skills” and “know how to do things” because week four’s prompt is “Write a tutorial”. I have no idea what an outfit tutorial is (“To put your pants on, first unbutton and zip them, then put one leg in at a time), we talked about food last week, and nail art was my big interest in ninth grade, which was a few years ago, so don’t expect me to remember anything. I could tell you how to waste time doing a lot of nothing or how to obsess about your hair, but I’d figure I might as well write about something that I know how to do.
Here we go…
How To Be Unbelievably Awkward Around Boys
by Claire, who has way to much experience in this field
1. This first step is highly suggested but not necessary: Go to an all-girls school. Especially during dating years (i.e. high school and college). You’ll spend all of your school day and extra circulars with other girls, thinking how great and perfect it is to be an all female environment, but by the time you go out in the real world, you won’t have any clue what to do, thanks to limited male interaction
2. When you see a particularly cute boy in a real world situation, like at the pool or at work, you have a couple of options. My favorite is to panic on the inside and start hitting your friend (who, of course, is a girl), mumbling things like “omgomgomgomg do you see that handsome God over there?”. Stare at his beauty the entire time from across the room and blatantly point him out to your friends. He’ll start to feel uncomfortable, look over, see you staring, but he probably won’t think it’s flattering and ask you out like you thought he would, and will probably just walk away in the other direction.
3. If the stars start to align and you get the chance to meet and talk to a cute boy, another option would be to turn off your normal switch and tell him everything. That weird dream you had a couple of nights ago? How you got that scar on your leg when you were 8? Cute boy didn’t ask, and it has nothing to do with the conversation, but hey, he might care! Don’t worry, in no time this boy will be freaked out and will try to get out of the situation ASAP.
4. Did the attractive man approach you, smiling and talkative? Forget your ability to speak. Thrown it down the drain. Just look at him, and drop your jaw in excitement and shock that he’s talking to you. And, why stop at the jaw? Drop everything else, and maybe when your speaking ability comes back, go for a goat noise, because nothing says “Hey I think you’re really cute” like MAHHEHHH
5. Is this your everywhere boyfriend? Like my guy from second semester, who I called William, and saw in class, the gym, library, and the Commons, but never made more than two seconds of eye contact? Next time you see him during Shafer breakfast, call him out while trying to flirt, like “Hey hot stuff, are you following me around campus?” or if you’re feeling gutsy, try for something like the classic Napoleon Dynamite line, he’ll surely be so freaked out and change his classes and study locations quick enough your everywhere boyfriend will become your nowhere boyfriend!
6. At this point I hope you’ve thrown all your social skills out the window; if not, you’re kinda behind in this program. Maybe, for some reason, a guy kinda likes you, but he’s nervous and is taking baby flirting steps. Completely ignore them, even if you do kinda like him back. He will feel friend-zoned, you will wonder why he still hasn’t asked you out.
7. If you see the boy while he’s working, maybe as a cashier at a fast food or cafe kinda place, be vert obvious. Smile big and bat your eyes a lot, you’ll think it’s flirty and he’ll think there’s something wrong with you. If he has a name tag, use it to your advantage (“Hey Josh, I’d like a large sweet tea”). When paying for your order, obviously try to touch his hands handing over the cash, he’ll have an uncomfortable what’s-going-on look on his face, and you’ll try to wink at him but it’ll end up looking like you have an eye twitch. To seal your fate of officially being extremely awkward around this guy, say something like, “So you work at Chipotle? Man, I love Chipotle”.
After following the above steps, you too, should be 100% awkward around men (Note:these would also probably work with women as well, depending on your preferences). Congratulations! Being suave and cool is overrated anyway, anyone could do that. It’s the quirky girls that are getting all the attention now-you know: girls who show off their goat noises and fearlessly tell personal stories to guys she’s just met.